Wednesday, February 12, 2014

F*cking Line Made Me Cry

“I didn’t know someone could love me like this,” she said. “Could love me and love me and love me without …needing space.”

“There’s no air in space,” he said.

Excerpt From: Rainbow, Rowell. “Attachments.” Orion, 2011-01-01T00:00:00+00:00. iBooks.
This material may be protected by copyright.

Monday, January 20, 2014

:-(

I said, its over. He said fine.
a decade of tears.
And its all brushed away by pen and paper.

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Merry Christmas.

Norovirused.

Miserable freezing weather.

Its all fucking ridiculous.

But Christ, wasnt Cori excited this morning. There is something weirdly uplifting about a child on christmas day. Sadly, her exuberance couldnt maintain the mood today. I am horribly homesick. To be fair, all my christmases in the Philippines are tainted with grief over impending departure of my mother. So, christmases for me are solemn, sad affairs.

Jesus.

I am a fucking grinch.

You and the Cynic that I am

You're there.
I am here.
entire Oceans between us.
Lost between your facetiousness.
Every once in awhile you'd throw me a rope.
But darling, I am always left grasping for air.

You're a trickster. You're a con man.
I am always your mark.
You lure with your honeyed words.
You let me believe.
and then you'd leave me dry.

I don't know myself.
I am lost without you.
Somewhere in eternity, there is me crying.
Crying at my stupidity.

But you make me feel there is heaven.
For that one glorious minute.
Someday, somehow,
all of the hours will be mine.

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Turning Thirty

I have not written for a long time. My brain has become lazy in extending my experiences in words. Things I saw. I have felt and experienced during my day has not been documented for posterity. I know people may not necessarily like to read what I wrote, but my older self probably will. This I realized when I grow older.
I use to write for an audience. I use to pepper my paragraphs with allusions and grandiose words to show people I am smart. I know these things. But as I grow older, the power of simple words to extend the deepest meaning becomes true again.
I have lost the ability to perpetuate pseudo emotions by drowning my readers in empathy. But rather, I have gained the ability to persuade by encouragement. To take the bare essence of an experience, squeeze it dry and present it in single drop. A singular truth. A theme. A flavour that permeates the room. This I gained when I grew older.
I have lost a lot of abilities and gifts of being young. To feel invincible. Now, I cower against threats that occur daily. The power of tomorrow. Now, I dread tomorrow as being closer to the end. The optimism for a new day.  Now, I endure against the daily grind of life. The feeling of having no regrets. Now, I regret the things I could have done better for my child. The feeling of novelty of everything. Now, I restrain myself against the onslaught of paranoia.  The freedom of making love to a person you love.  Now I understand the power of sex over my psyche.
I have developed a lot of coping strategies. Eating to fill up a void. Smiling and laughing when my heart is not involved. Ennui, my constant companion.
But now I learn to savour the things I love. My daughter’s smell. Her little arms wrapped around me in sleep. I have learned to savour the perfectly ordinary day. Droopy eyes from sleep, little arms and legs that snuggle and contour to every plane of my body. Its as if she knows that on cellular level, her body is an extension of mine.
I have learned the vast grayness of moral dilemma. That everything is not cut and dried as textbooks tell me. It is still something that I struggle against. Logical I argue that every situation has a resolution – an end. Every organic thing has a timeline. My struggle is to live a life of being a good person amidst complexities of human failures. I am failing.
I have read somewhere, that as you grow older, you realize that you know nothing.  The truths that I have grown up with in comfort has been ripped away.  And I now floundering against identifying building blocks of myself. Building the new me –one I am comfortable with and sharing with the rest of the world.
I am in essence an organic thing again.  But then, I am wondering whether everyone feels this way? That no one has the absolute monopoly on knowing exactly where they are and where they are going? There are some things that people consider sacred. Things that ground them. A little bit like Superman and sunlight.  I am wondering what revives me. What gives me strength. And the mere fact that I have to question is driving me insane.
Thank you 30. Thank you for telling me that at this stage, the only certainty that I have is the certainty that I don’t know anything.


Friday, July 19, 2013

A Year Later

A year later, here I am again.

A lot can happen in a year. New job. New house. Mother coming over for an insanely long visit which made me deliriously happy. Child growing up with a grating south london accent that I am desperately trying to eradicate.

What else?

I met Jamie when he came over. Fantastic week it was. Poor bloke subjected to British weather.

I think these were the significant milestones. I wonder what is in store on the next ones.

Brendan is away to Kenya. For 12 days. I am dying from the relentless school run. I havent washed any dishes. Cori and I are living on hot dogs and take aways. I promised myself I cannot stand anymore of this filth and off I go drop the mound of clothes on the floor. The newly washed ones. I just don't fucking care.

Funny thing today. It must have been almost 30'C. A large black woman wearing this halter dress and her ginormous boobs were almost spilling out to the pavement. Cori said to me in a stage whisper "Mummy, does it make a massive noise when they pop?"

I laughed. And laughed. and almost got bitch slapped by the woman.

I was off work for three weeks. I was signed off by my GP. I had plantar fasciitis. Still there. Still bloody painful, but its not as bad as a couple of weeks ago when walking was trememndously difficult. I hauled myself this afternoon to get new work shoes. The amount of money I had spent buying trainers, comfortable ones is ridiculous. Asics, the one I just bought costs about 110. The other one was 80, the other one was 30. Asics felt the best. My feet were in heaven.

Its the weekend tomorrow, and for once I am just happy that I am not going to be forcing myself on the morning rush. Two full days of doing absolutely fuck all. Yeah! fist bump!



Thursday, June 14, 2012

Buckingham Palace

Post jubilee celebration, hordes of tourists were still plodding on faithfully to see the palace. When i first saw buckingham, i thought to myself, "that is really pretty." and thats that. I did not wonder about architectural design and influences nor did I wonder at the royals staying power. I went there so i can have a picture that showed I've seen it and was there. And thats that. Really quite phlebian of me but I figure that majority of the people who were there simply wanted to say they've been there. Must be nice as an opening starter for picking up random british girls who are holidaying in foreign countries. "you come from uk? I've been there, went to see buckingham palace and the changing of the guards. And ate the severely overpriced hotdogs..so can i buy you a drink?" I went there today after my trip to the dentist. Still high from anasthesia, I couldnt stomach the thought of my 5 days off from work not doing anything just merely bumming around the flat. So in order to say that i have travelled at least 5miles from my immediate vicinity, I decided to get on the train and see the city. I had visions of myself eating a calorific lunch, with my ipad, looking out the serene lake. Ducks and swans gliding gracefully about. Peace and quiet. Peace and quiet to ease the suspicious heart and pounding headache and aching tooth of mine. Got off victoria and was going to mcdonalds when I changed my mind and decided to grab some noodles and sushi instead. After spending an exorbitant amount that equates to the annual GDP of a nonexistent tiny African country, i walked to buckingham palace, dodging tourists looking for their hotels with dobbermans stuffed into their gigantic wheelie bags. Frantically racing with city workers on their lunch break to get on to the best spot. It wasnt a pretty sight when i got there. I think i would call the mass of people congregated in the park akin to a pilgrimage or a primark half sale. The mass of humanity was simply astounding. I thought i have stumbled on to a concert or something but my confusion gave way to comprehension when i realized that most of the people there were either on school trip or just plain tourists. The school trippers outnumber the tourists though. Annoyingly so, Teenagers, children who can barely walk, teenagers that were just a tiny bit loud. Teenagers who are really too loud. Galloping children. Frantic teachers. It was mayhem. Nevertheless, my vision of peace and quiet still beckoned. Put on the headphones Kristina, so I did. And adele's pirated music blessedly filled my ears. I realized though that she must have gotten her own back when halfway thru "Set Fire to the Rain," track, the little drops of rain was turning itchy. I looked down and my bento box was full of this green little insects (to be honest i dont know what they were) and were on to my skin as well. I wasnt enjoying myself. Not really an ideal day. So i left and went back home. Watched half of this disgusting movie called repo men and went back to sleep. Waked up refreshed and picked up my little girl from school. This was my day. :-)